Why Say You’re Fine When You’re Not!
Many folks enjoy exchanging pleasantries as we pass one another whilst taking our enter the countryside, or nod and share a couple of friendly words during a familiar work or social setting. There’s often a smile as we ask, ‘hello, how are you?’, which is usually unthinkingly followed by the standard , ‘I’m fine thanks, how are you?’
There’d be surprise if there was the other response to the non-question that’s been asked. it is a polite greeting, which sometimes doesn’t even warrant expecting the reply before we continue on our way.
But what happens once we say we’re fine when we’re not? We’re regularly advised to speak about our feelings, reminded of the importance of sharing with others when we’re down, of letting them help. But how can we do that?
– Context is vital when we’re asked how we are. Did the question contains a fast nod of recognition or was there a more concerned degree of interest being shown? What else were you both doing once you met? Were you both on your way somewhere else? is that the time and place appropriate for you to start out disclosing that you’re struggling or wouldn’t it be better to plan a future meet?
– Staying quiet can, at times, seem the simplest option, albeit it may result in us experiencing escalating stress levels, tension and unhappiness. We might not even know ourselves why we’re feeling that way, are unable to seek out the words to elucidate what is going on on, are frustrated by our low mood. Keeping a journal or lecture somebody else can sometimes help us process those feelings of confusion and overwhelm.
– Acting as if we’re fine may became a crucial tool in our survival armory. It enables us to function on a day to day , provides a welcome veneer to cover behind, allowing us to urge through every day . If we actually considered explaining how we feel we’d have concerns about falling apart and be uneasy on how we’d recover sufficiently afterwards.
– Making ourselves vulnerable are often a priority too. Once aired, details about messy or distressing personal situations can’t be retracted. Yes, someone may care about us, have an interest and supportive, but how will they view us on future occasions; will it change our relationship and if so, will that be okay?
– Offering verbal clues can sometimes be an honest thanks to start a conversation when we’re feeling low and out of sorts. Comments like, ‘I’m okay, thanks, not regrettable , surviving, i have been better, I’m getting there’ are all indicators that we’re not the happiest we’ve ever been! Those replies might be a chance for the opposite person to enquire if we’re really okay, prompt them to ask if we’d wish to talk or even suggest we arrange a coffee. But, for them to follow-up depends on how busy they’re , how they’re feeling themselves and whether they’re inclined to be supportive.
– How close is your relationship? does one want to risk changing the dynamics of the connection by sharing what proportion you’re struggling, reveal what’s actually happening when you’re asked how you are? and truly , sometimes it can become a touch of a problem if, whenever we meet, our personal situation becomes the opening topic conversation. Sometimes not talking about our problems can give us an opportunity and stop us from being constantly immersed in our situation.
– are you able to trust the opposite person to try to to right by you? nobody wants to disclose their innermost anxieties and concerns, only to then find themselves the topic of gossip a couple of hours later. Feeling ready to confidentially share with another, and for that to be received during a supportive way may be a major component when we’re not feeling fine.
– Ultimately it’s our responsibility to share if we’re in need of a touch caring friendship. But to try to to so requires us to be within the ‘right place’ to ask someone if they’ve time for a talk , to feel confident enough to reveal that we’re feeling low and in need of somebody to speak to. And, also, to not take it personally if they reply that they are too busy to speak immediately , but will revisit to us and speak later.
– it is also important to be clear about what we’d like . Is it advice, someone to easily listen without comment, an ally, a hug? Doing that permits everyone to understand what’s expected of them.
And don’t forget that none folks operate during a vacuum. the opposite person will, no doubt, have their own story, issues and problems of concern to them. attempt to reciprocate and permit time for them to be heard too. And if you discover you’re really struggling remember that lecture your GP or contacting a counsellor or hypnotherapist could provide the professional support you would like on your journey to feeling really fine.
Susan Leigh, South Manchester counsellor, hypnotherapist, relationship counsellor, writer & media contributor offers help with relationship issues, stress management, assertiveness and confidence. She works with individual clients, couples and provides corporate workshops and support.
She’s author of three books, ‘Dealing with Stress, Managing its Impact’, ‘101 Days of Inspiration #tipoftheday’ and ‘Dealing with Death, dealing with the Pain’, all on Amazon & with easy to read sections, tips and concepts to assist you are feeling more positive about your life.
Why Say You’re Fine When You’re Not!
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